Family caregiving is an act of love, but it can also be associated with negative emotions. One of the hardest to deal with is caregiver guilt. Many caregivers judge themselves too harshly, resulting in feelings of guilt that make their lives even more stressful. Guilt can hit at any time, even after a loved one has died. If it isn’t addressed, it can affect a caregiver’s mental and physical health. If you’re a caregiver, here are some tips to help you cope.
Acknowledge Your Guilty Feelings
Unfortunately, guilt is very common among caregivers. Guilt can arise from many feelings. You may think you could have prevented or slowed your loved one’s illness or you’re not doing enough to help them. At times, you may resent your loved one or your situation or get angry or impatient with them. If you take time for yourself, hire an aide, or move your loved one to a care facility, you may feel selfish. There may also be guilt over neglecting your other relationships and responsibilities. Old insecurities and family conflicts may make guilt even worse.
It’s normal to feel guilty because caregiving is an emotional and physical burden, even though it may also be rewarding. However, it’s not good for guilt to take over your thoughts.
Realize How Guilt is Affecting You
Guilt makes stress worse. It also pushes you to go beyond your limits, which can result in burnout, depression, anxiety, and other mental health issues. This in turn can lead to physical problems, like high blood pressure, insomnia, headaches, injuries, and other ailments. If you’re not healthy, you cannot be an effective caregiver.
Forgive Yourself
It doesn’t matter how devoted you are to caregiving, you may believe you should be able to handle it all without complaint. Every decision should have an ideal outcome. You should be able to save your loved one from suffering and premature death. But no one is perfect or has that power. You don’t have unlimited mental, physical, or financial resources to assist in every possible way. Even if you did, you cannot control someone’s illness. It’s important to stop holding yourself to an unrealistic standard or expecting things to go as planned. Forgive yourself for whatever doesn’t go right because you’re doing the best you can under incredibly difficult circumstances.
Focus on the Positives
There will be bad times but if you see only those, your guilt will be worse. Instead, think of the good moments that occur even when things are otherwise not going well. Concentrate on all the ways you are making life better for your loved one, not on what you couldn’t do.
Take Care of Yourself
Self-care is essential. Find time away from your responsibilities. Exercise, socialize with friends, meditate, and engage in enjoyable activities. Taking breaks is good for your mental and physical health and allows you to go back to your caregiving feeling more relaxed and rejuvenated. Also, consider joining a support group or seeking therapy to deal with your feelings.
Ask for and Accept Help
Often, caregiving responsibilities aren’t shared equally in families. It’s important to have discussions about dividing duties among family members. Also, seek out services in your community. Adult daycare facilities and homecare aides can provide respite care. Other services may exist to help with transportation, shopping, housekeeping, doctor’s visits, and other needs. A daily money manager can help with day-to-day financial tasks like paying bills, reconciling financial statements, keeping financial records, dealing with insurance companies over payments, and similar tasks.
Let Yourself Grieve
While you are caregiving, you may grieve the loss of your loved one’s abilities and your relationship. Even though they are still alive, they may not be the person you knew because of their illness. When they pass, you may go through the grieving process all over again. This is normal. Unfortunately, grief can worsen guilt and keep you from mourning and accepting the loss. If you’re still blaming yourself for perceived mistakes, seek counseling.
It’s not easy dealing with caregiver guilt and you may not be able to get rid of all of it. However, the more you can reduce guilt, the better it is for you and your loved one.
