According to a 2024 survey, 48 percent of individuals in relationships admitted to financial infidelity, including hiding credit card balances and expensive purchases. Concealing finances isn’t necessarily about trying to cheat the other spouse. Instead, it’s often the result of a spouse’s embarrassment over financial problems, issues with control, or different priorities. Whatever the underlying reason, financial infidelity can be just as damaging to marriage as romantic infidelity. To avoid problems in your relationship, here’s what you should know.
What Is Financial Infidelity?
Financial infidelity occurs when one partner in a relationship intentionally hides financial information or makes financial decisions without the other’s knowledge. Examples include lying about income, assets, or debts and secret spending.
Importantly, there is nothing wrong with spouses having some financial independence in marriage. Separate bank accounts and spending money are fine. Every purchase shouldn’t have to be precleared with the other spouse. However, couples should fully disclose their finances and discuss financial issues before and during marriage. They should decide on their priorities, goals, budget, separate and joint financial responsibilities, and related matters. Financial infidelity only comes into play when someone isn’t honest or transparent and knowingly hides their finances. Even being financially irresponsible isn’t infidelity unless a spouse deliberately conceals it.
It’s the secrecy that makes it so damaging. It results in loss of trust, feelings of betrayal, increased conflict, and potential legal and financial consequences, all of which can destroy the marriage.
Why Does Financial Infidelity Happen?
The motivation to conceal can come from many places but some common reasons include:
- Embarrassment/anxiety over finances. A spouse may be ashamed of his or her financial situation and fear being judged or ending up in a fight.
- Addiction issues. Gambling, alcoholism, substance abuse, shopping, and other addictions can result in significant debts that a spouse may want to hide.
- Different priorities. A spouse may save or spend on individual goals and keep this secret to avoid disputes.
- Power struggles. Financial infidelity can be a way for one spouse to control the other or to feel more in control in a relationship with financial disparities.
- A second relationship or preparing for divorce. A spouse may be involved in another relationship and spending money related to that or hiding income or assets so these aren’t counted in a future divorce action.
Signs of Financial Infidelity
Often, the evidence of financial infidelity is in routine paperwork. It may consist of:
- Unexplained withdrawals, transfers, and payments to or from existing financial accounts (bank, investment, credit cards, etc.)
- Statements from unknown financial accounts
- Suspicious credit card charges
- Bills from unfamiliar parties
- Calls and letters from debt collectors
- Notice of taxes owed
- Denial of a loan or credit card.
A spouse’s failure to answer questions about finances or becoming defensive or upset when asked is also a good clue that there may be a problem.
How to Address Financial Infidelity
If you suspect or have discovered financial infidelity in your relationship, here are some steps to take:
- Start the conversation. Fully disclose and discuss your individual and joint finances. Listen carefully and be respectful, not judgmental. Focus on finding solutions and compromise rather than placing blame.
- Seek professional guidance. Depending on the nature of the problem, a daily money manager, financial planner, financial counselor, family mediator, or therapist may be able to assist. A professional can provide a neutral third-party perspective, facilitate conversations, address mental health issues, and create a plan to move forward.
- Create ongoing transparency. Both spouses must have access to accounts and share financial information. Regular financial check-ins are critical to review finances, track progress toward shared goals, and discuss adjustments as needed.
- Establish guidelines. Discuss and agree on a budget, savings goals, spending limits, financial responsibilities, and other issues so both of you know what is expected of each other.
Money is one of the biggest sources of conflict in marriage. To minimize disputes, commit to open and honest communication.
If you’re struggling with financial infidelity or simply want to learn how to work on your finances individually and as a couple, contact me for a free consultation. As a daily money manager, I can help facilitate conversations, teach you how to manage your daily finances, and handle tasks you prefer to delegate. Don’t let financial infidelity destroy your relationship.