Caregiving can bring some families together but drive other ones apart. Unfortunately, sibling disputes are common even when everyone has the best of intentions. The emotional, physical, and financial strain of caring for a parent and watching them struggle, combined with pre-existing family dynamics, can often lead to conflicts and misunderstandings. But many families can get through this with help and preserve their relationship.

Common Reasons for Sibling Disputes

When parents start having problems managing their health and finances, adult children are usually the ones to step in. That’s often when disagreements surface, particularly around:

  • Care needs. Do parents need care, and if so, what level of care? Who makes care and end-of-life decisions?
  • Living arrangements. Are parents safe living at home alone? Should they move closer to a child? When is a home care aide or a nursing home needed? Will a sibling move in or bring parents into their home?
  • Money decisions. Are parents capable of managing their finances? How will they pay for care? What expenses are necessary? Should assets be sold or transferred?
  • Legal authority. Who is power of attorney and healthcare proxy? At what point should the child step in for the parent? If no legal documents exist, who will become guardian? Is the agent/guardian acting appropriately?
  • Division of responsibilities. Who will handle day-to-day care, finances, and paperwork? What is a fair division of labor given the siblings’ work, distance, and personal circumstances?
  • Communication. Are updates regular and transparent, or do siblings feel left out or second-guessed?

These practical disagreements are often intensified by emotional differences and old family roles. For example, one child may be in denial over a parent’s problems while another insists on immediate action. Childhood labels like being the responsible, difficult, or smart one can also reappear under stressful circumstances, causing conflicts and resentment.

Tips for Siblings

Good communication can go a long way towards preventing or resolving conflicts. These steps are an excellent way to start:

  • Have regular check-ins. Siblings should discuss caregiving issues and keep each other informed about their respective activities. That includes providing updates about the parent’s health, care needs, and finances.
  • Be transparent about financial transactions. Silence breeds distrust. Even well-meaning decisions can cause tension if others feel uninformed.
  • Divide tasks based on ability, not just proximity. The closest person may be best able to handle hands-on care. However, a distant sibling can manage research, bills, insurance, and other matters, or provide financial or respite support for the primary caregiver.
  • Keep written records. Recap discussions in an email and keep pertinent documents in a shared folder to reduce misunderstandings.
  • Ask for help. Burnout leads to resentment. If one sibling is overwhelmed, it’s important to speak up before tensions rise.
  • Don’t let old family dynamics take over. Acknowledge past patterns, but don’t let them derail present-day decisions focused on a parent’s needs.

Tips for Parents

Ideally, parents and children should discuss caregiving and finances before a health crisis to avoid problems later. Parents should let kids know their preferences about where they want to live, what kind of care they want, what long-term financial planning they have done, who they’ve named as power of attorney and healthcare proxy, and what other expectations they have for their children to help them. These conversations should occur regularly as circumstances change.

Parents should also encourage children to share their concerns so they can try to address them beforehand. Children may not feel they can provide the care their parents need or feel that they are being unfairly excluded from or given the burden of certain responsibilities.

A “just-in-case” box should also be created with important financial and legal documents, account information, advisor contacts, a list of bills and insurance, passwords, and any other information that would be needed by the children if parents become incapacitated.

When to Bring in Professionals

If disagreements persist or important matters are being neglected, it may be time for outside help.

  • Legal and financial professionals can assist with powers of attorney, guardianship, and planning for long-term care.
  • Doctors, care managers, and social workers can help manage care needs.
  • Family therapists can guide individuals and families through emotional issues.
  • Elder law mediators can facilitate discussion so families can find a solution to disputes and avoid litigation.

As a daily money manager, I’m often brought in when finances are a major source of tension. I help by organizing day-to-day finances, paying bills, tracking expenses, monitoring for fraud, and providing clear reporting to all siblings. Having a neutral third party manage these tasks often reduces conflict and allows families to focus on caregiving rather than administration.

Caregiving takes a heavy toll that can lead to conflicts even under the best of circumstances. But if everyone is willing to compromise and work together, the challenges can be overcome.

If you need help with managing the daily finances of a parent, contact me for a free consultation.