When a family member needs care but won’t admit it, it can be both frightening and frustrating. You see the danger and offer your assistance, only to hear, “I’m fine. I don’t need any help.” While you cannot force a loved one to accept your support, understanding their concerns and adjusting your approach may change their mind.
Why People Resist Help
For many older adults, accepting assistance feels like losing their independence. Even helping them with one task may trigger fear that they will soon be giving up control over other aspects of their lives.
They may also be embarrassed about needing help and becoming a burden on others.
Denial about their condition or cognitive issues may also make it harder for them to realize the extent of their problems, so they reject any concerns about their abilities.
How to Encourage Your Loved One to Accept Help
To reduce your loved one’s resistance, you want to take it slow.
1. Start the Conversation Early. Ideally, before a crisis happens, talk with your loved one about when and how they would want you or someone else to step in if you notice they are having problems managing their health or finances. Discussing this when they are well may make them more open to accepting support when they need it later.
2. Be Patient and Respectful. Try to understand that your loved one is likely saying no because of fear, pride, or a desire to remain independent, so approach the conversation with empathy. One discussion probably won’t change your loved one’s mind. It will take time and compassion.
3. Focus on One Problem at a Time. Begin with small steps. Instead of trying to address a long list of concerns, pick one and ask your loved one to let you assist with it. Solving one problem may feel less threatening than giving up control over major aspects of their lives.
4. Give Them Choices. Whenever possible, offer options that allow your loved one to have input on decisions. For example, discuss bringing in an aide versus moving to a care facility or your home. You want your loved one to feel as if they still have some control over their lives.
5. Emphasize the Benefits. Instead of talking about what they can no longer handle, focus on how getting help will save them time and reduce stress. For example, hiring a housekeeper, having groceries and medications delivered, putting bills on autopay, and other tasks make their lives easier and more convenient.
6. Bring in a Neutral Third Party. Sometimes a loved one may feel more comfortable accepting help from or getting the opinion of an outside party. Geriatric care managers, doctors, social workers, elder law mediators, daily money managers, and other professionals can handle specific tasks and/or facilitate discussions among family members. Because the person is a professional, it may reduce tension between you and your loved one as well as provide support to your view that assistance is needed.
What to Do If They Still Refuse Help
If you have reason to question your loved one’s mental capacity to handle their health and finances, you should consider consulting an attorney. You may need to pursue guardianship. However, if they are legally competent to make decisions for themselves, you cannot force them to accept assistance.
That doesn’t mean you should give up trying, but you may need to step back, keep communications open, and look for opportunities to revisit the conversation later. Continuing to argue may damage your relationship, and your loved one may pull away from you completely.
If possible, try to get them to put together a “just-in-case box” which contains information about their financial accounts, legal documents, key contacts, insurance policies, bills, passwords, and other important papers that you may need if they become incapacitated.
Also, discuss executing a healthcare proxy, living will, power of attorney, will and any other relevant legal documents if they don’t exist.
Through this process, remember to take care of yourself. Caregiving for a loved one who doesn’t want help is stressful for you too. Talk with your friends and family, join a caregiver support group, or seek professional help if it becomes overwhelming. Even if your loved one isn’t ready to accept help today, be patient and keep the door open.
If your loved one is having problems managing day-to-day financial matters, contact me for a consultation. I have worked with many families to find a solution that works for everyone.
